For my Euan.
I’ll never forget the morning I found out. It was the third time I’d been hit with an overwhelm of feelings at the sight of those little lines. But this time, I only saw the positive test because of a nudge inside of me: just check it one more time. I’d taken the test the night before. Nothing. Into the trash it went, along with some of the hope that it would be a yes. So imagine my giddiness, pulling that test out of the trash the next morning to discover it was a yes. After immediately taking another one to be sure, my shaking hands grabbed the tests and I ran outside to tell your dust and dirt covered dad, who was in the middle of landscaping our backyard. I jumped into his arms, and cried tears of excitement and also nervousness. We had thrown ourselves into the most wonderful and frightening unknown once again.
The following weeks were anxious ones for me. I tried my very hardest to be hopeful and optimistic. You know what they say — third time’s the charm? Then as a few weeks passed, the familiar symptoms started. We spoke to the doctor, and he said it too. It looked like the third time was in fact not the charm.
Oh baby boy, I was devastated. Beyond. I was absolutely heartbroken and furious that I was losing a third baby. I remember dropping to the floor in sobs, telling dad that we needed to go to the coast. (We’ll go there together. It’s one of my most special places.) It’s been where my mind has taken me in so many of the hard times. We booked an appointment to begin the journey of seeing fertility specialists. But I wanted an ultrasound to see it for myself, so we went.
I remember how at peace I felt, in the Radiology waiting room. Suddenly, surprisingly, no fear. In my mind, I was just getting really good at this, and was coping. I told the technician that we were there to confirm bad news, and not to feel uncomfortable breaking that news to us.
Euan, you know what happened next. It was the first time we saw you, in your very earliest form. You, who had not been willing to go. There was your heartbeat, against all other evidence and expectation. The sacredness of that moment will never be lost on me. Our baby. Our miracle.
Weeks of bloodwork and follow-up ultrasounds came and went, and it was starting to sink in: I think this is actually going to be okay.
So many joyous moments during those months of growing you in my belly. Finding out you were a BOY (with our same sweet ultrasound technician. She was a blessing and we requested her every time!), sharing that news with our dear family and friends. Celebrating every good ultrasound and doctor appointment with a JBC (one of my very few pregnancy cravings). Feeling kicks. Imagining everything about you. Wondering what you’d look like, who you would be.
Being pregnant was the most magical thing, and also the hardest thing. The physical symptoms, exhaustion, and worry truthfully I did continue to experience throughout the entire pregnancy, were heavy.
I think the most magical part of it all, though, is the way I can look at it in hindsight, knowing that it was you all along. Those relentless kicks that kept me up all night, the scare that took you and I to the hospital too soon, the big belly, the “what a textbook anatomy scan! your baby is literally perfect!”. It was all you. We were in it together, through the good and hard, all day and all night for all those months. I look back and see us as a pretty amazing team, both working hard, preparing for what was to come. Perhaps that sounds like a silly thing to say. But knowing you now — our curious, energetic, unabated boy, who is fascinated by everything and everyone around him. It was you, and it makes me look back at every struggle and joy of the experience, with different eyes.
Sweet boy. You’ll never know how much we love you.
Growing you and bringing you into this world will always be one of the most incredible privileges of my life. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for making me your mama.
I love you.
* photos taken at 39 weeks by Callum. I remember feeling so incredibly proud of my body, after years of having a complicated relationship with her for not being able to grow a baby. I felt so, so happy and proud here. They will always be a treasure to me.
